Randy Writes Letters: Bill O’Reilly
The third installment of our weekly series Randy Writes Letters. The series is a collection of correspondence to influential individuals and organizations, they run the gambit from the hilariously absurd to the serious issue of our time. This week Randy writes to talk show host Bill O’Reilly about political discourse in America. Tune in next week for our next installment.
Subj: let me tell you Mr. O’Reilly
Date: 11/6/2004 9:37:26 PM Eastern Standard Time
Last night I was riding on the F-Train. It was late. Very late. Probably about three in the morning. I was riding with a friend and her two friends. I was headed home to the West Village and they were in for a longer ride to Queens. That’s not important. The interesting thing about the train ride was that there were these three guys that started yelling and threatening to stab each other somewhere between the 2nd Ave stop and Broadway/Lafayette. At first it seemed really random that three twenty-something males would randomly start screaming at each other. Then we realized that in fact they must have known each other. Anyway, apparently the problem was that one of the guys turned on his friends to appease his girlfriend. They kept accusing him of not being able to control his “bitch.” That would not have been my choice of language and most likely not my summation of their relationship problems, but I suppose we all mentally process what we can, when we can, as we can because we can. Anyway, by the time we hit West 4th Street, two of the guys were hugging and apologizing to one another. One guy was still sitting there and muttering obscenities to himself. I’ll get to that in a moment. Everyone was relieved that the screaming and french fry throwing didn’t escalate into a knife fight. It was late and we all just wanted to go home. Me to my home. Erin to her home. Erin’s friends to Erin’s home. Everyone else to their home. It was three in the morning. It was late. We were all tired. Anyway, I found the small melodrama that played out on that F-Train very telling. It was kind of like America and its internal division and its split and what not. You know, kinda like how for months now we have been cursing and throwing french fries at each other on our proverbial F-Train of existential fate or something of the sort. And finally our nation has gotten to West 4th Street. Yes, we have gotten to our West 4th Street and realized how silly we all have been. Despite all our differences, we are all friends after all. We are all in the same posse and such, and as such, we are beginning to hug and make up and what not. Yeah, so our great country is realizing how silly we have been and we’re apologizing for how stupid we have been acting. We are coming to terms with our bitter division, even if we still don’t agree with each other one-hundred percent about our relationship with our “bitches” and what not. Again, that is not my choice of words. I have utmost respect for the female gender and their role within our society and their rights as people. Maybe that is why Erin and her female friends were going back to Queens to eat falafels alone… well, without me… and I was heading to the edges of the West Village to go to bed. Really though, that’s not the issue. What I’m getting at is that as the nation is hugging and making up in one of those awkward double seats that face into the whole train rather than at the adjacent wall… I forgot what I was going to say. Oh wait! Now I remember. As the nation is hugging and making up, you are that other friend that is still sitting across the subway aisle, eating his French Fries and muttering obscenities to himself. Not just you personally, but the whole media. You are looking to add fuel to the fire and fire to the fight and fight until the bloody end and what not. It is you and people like you that pointlessly polarize our nation and try to keep us from uniting as one big happy posse. You, Mr. Bill O’Reilly are just a bitter man that likes to start metaphorical fights on the subway at three in the morning when everyone else is simply just trying to get home and got to bed. And when everyone resolves just to go home and get to bed, you just sit there and whine and complain and eat your french fries and try to instigate both sides into a knife fight all over again. What’s the point of this letter? The point is that you should stop all your pointless complaining and senseless instigation and just shut your yapper hole and let us all get some rest. Thank you.